FindLaw Times: Interview With The Lunch Stealer
by Brian Hogenson
The one constant at FindLaw in 2015 has been change. If you've shown your face on the Eagan campus recently you have likely noticed the change in E4, where the side door has been closed in an attempt to thwart the infamous FindLaw Food Bandit.
I used my investigative skills to track down the FindLaw Food Bandit inside a Taco Bell dumpster, where our antagonist was scoring some discarded nacho toppings. The bandit agreed to an interview in exchange for a spork and a promise of anonymity.
BH: Let's cut to the chase. Why? Do you just enjoy messing with people? Were you hungry? Broke? What's the deal?
FFB: I'm not a fan of this line of questioning. You and all the rest have been nothing short of ungrateful. We're all tired of the emails and notices about the need to clean out the fridge. I'm the only one taking any action to solve the problem.
BH: You're kidding, right? I could understand your point if you took that Buffalo Wild Wings box that's been in there since Thomson Reuters was still Thomson West (seriously, who can't finish an order of wings?), but your thefts have included braised short ribs, partial cans of Diet Coke and the deli meat off of a sandwich.
FFB: I thought that person could benefit from participating in Meatless Monday. Did you know that 51 percent of global greenhouse gases are attributed to livestock?
BH: Are the other 49 percent attributed to your own hot air? Nevermind, let's get back on track. What brought this on? When did it start?
FFB: I suppose it started back in elementary school. A classmate's Mom brought in a tray of cupcakes for her birthday. I had to stay behind at recess to pay my debt to school society for pantsing the gym teacher, and I noticed the cupcakes. There was just something about them, like they were looking straight into my soul. I had to have them. Later in the afternoon I licked the remaining frosting off of my fingers while Angela sobbed onto the teacher's blouse. I regretted nothing. In fact, I wanted to do it again.
FFB: Come on, man. Haven't you ever felt the thrill of stealing a bike from a child or flushing a senior's prescription drugs? Hiding around the corner to see that look of helplessness? That moment when you know they've lost faith in humanity is the ultimate rush.
BH: But why bring your perversion into the workplace? You know how important culture is at FindLaw. Why sully that with food theft? If we cannot trust our coworkers around our sad, lifeless Lean Cuisines, how can we trust their design prototypes, SEO redirects and content evaluations?
FFB: You can definitely trust me around Lean Cuisines. Have you ever tried to eat one of those things?
BH: Touché. Well, what's the end game? When can we go back to normal? When can we open the door?
FFB: If there's any hope for a return to normalcy in E4, the prescription will be what it is for all successful endeavors at FindLaw: We must all respect each other as professionals and as people. Trust, camaraderie, and team unity will inspire me to put the good of our colleagues and customers over my mischievous ways and caloric needs.
BH: So, in a Wizard Of Oz-esque twist, we've had the answer all along?
FFB: Yes. The Thomson Reuters values of trust, partnership, innovation and performance.
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